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Archive for the ‘instrumental songs’ Category

New jello – Maximillian Colby

Yay. I like it when the hardcore songs come, but for dumb reasons. To save face, mostly. Though it in a way disparages the other music that comes here that i hold just as crucially and gratifyingly, i feel better posting hardcore songs. Because it makes me feel like a big man! No. Well, not entirely. If my tastes were to exist in a bubble of my own pleasure, affecting no one else and colouring me to no one else, i’m sure i wouldn’t feel such relief on a morning i don’t have to post another K-pop or, now, 80’s Japanese idol song.

I pretty much would live in a bubble of my own pleasure if it weren’t for this thing (and i’m sure if i were to measure its effect i’d find i do completely). There are just sides of myself i wish would come through here that can’t in a deluge of nothing else. Cooler sides. Obviously there is that tension, but i’m the most hollow, obsequious person in the world and if nothing else i want this selfish, selfish, insular thing to be something people would like, maybe even something that helps them. Cooler music – music without stigma, baggage socially unfit for me to carry – would meet that want better. I just can’t be myself. This need to distance myself from things i love stems purely from imagined criticisms and reproaches, and from that many of the things i love will never win me any friends.

Maybe it’s a want of mastery, in that in the pop world i’m a lost fledgling finding his way. I struggle with what to write here all the time, and to have another morning where i have to piece together dumb, greenhorn, feeling my way words is not the most enjoyable thing. So the tension here is not to look like an idiot, rather than looking uncool. Go me. It is always preferable to write from dissent – research done because i have lived it – rather than clunky neophytism. I wouldn’t like to get this information from me.

I think the biggest tension might lie in a concern of becoming less and less connected to the things that have affected and shaped me more than anything else in my life. I don’t want to lose things. Just, if i can, lump other things with them, remaining more or less unchanged as the person that has formed here already. Growing up. I need to leave the house. The end of this song!

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